Kae in Wonderland

Dear Sympatico

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 04:15:28 GMT

I swear to god, if you crash one more time, mid conversation I will crush you like a bug...

You have been warned.

Can anyone explain why the internet is out for my blood?

My one fucking lifeline has been trying to kill itself ll bloody year.

And do not get me started on AIM, I might just shoot something.

I sucked at work today and feel fucking incompitent with all of technology, and let's face it, I am.

P.S.

I'm shaking like crazy now and you know exactly why, or at least you will when you sign back on your AIM, my friend. I'm furious and devistated at the same time. I cannot believe that rather than talk to me about it you would post that in your life journal. Thanks, I'm just returning the favour now.

You have to give to take. I haven't had your e-mail since our first websites, so don't even start with me not giving you mine. It's on my website (which has been linking you for a month now, with no link back I might add)

As for "avoiding" you, let's face it, I've done everything possible to keep in touch with you over the years. I join every forum, everything you ask me to in an effort to stay in touch. You name a website, I'm there within the hour. I check every forum you have asked me to daily. DevArt, TWF, MySpace, Societas, Cry's forum, all of them. Even AIM. I joined for you, Ming Yi, and Crystal. Do you think there was any other reason?

As for AIM logging in and out at random I can't really do much about that.

Could I have done better?

You bet.

And you?

Same deal.

Ever After

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 04:43:01 GMT

I suppose I've been less than poetic lately, though I blame myself for my shortcomings with the written word.

My journals and comic strips are the same way.

Dry, mishapen, and tragic.

I'm lonely but I don't miss anyone in particular.

I miss having people around to drive me crazy I guess.

I talked to Stacey the other day and I realised that too was fake.

It seems as though not having the intellectual stimulation of school is drying me out, I'm listless.

German Classes are difficult and unproductive, I'd like to quit.

My skin feels like it could blow away.

I have no idea what isn't in my life that should be.

Andrew has become imperfectly perfect again.

If only he didn't want to rush it and take it too far.

He could be perfect.

Void.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 16:38:09 GMT

I'm so lonely.

Liar.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 05:19:56 GMT

I scream and scream and scream over and over again.

I AM A LIAR!

Then I scream

HOW IS THIS JUSTICE!?

I scream and sob.

Why is this how I have chosen to live my life?

I could be so much more.

I cry so much, on the inside because I want them to think I'm happy.

P.S.
http://empty-cage.net/miroku/
http://empty-cage.net/fool/

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 01:49:31 GMT

I woke up this morning and thought about how lucky I am to have such great friends.

I know generally I float in and out of lives like a uranium butterfly.

I shock and impress and impact, and then vanish into thin air.

It's happening with some old friends, but it still makes me smile a little, they can't possibly forget me!

Like Ange has a whole pile of new friends, and I watch her slowly fade from my circle.

I should be sad.

Then I realise high school was something no one will ever forget and that I made an impact on that.

I wasn't normal, classic, or cliched.

I did what I wanted.

I laughed as hard as I could.

I cried like the world was collapsing.

And I lived when I was in high school.

I showed every two-bit bastard in Uxbridge who I was.

And even though I've been a depressed mess lately.

I will not be forgotten!

P.S.
Across the Universe came out. I worked on the sound for that! Wait for the end of the credits and under Foley Work cheer when you see Footsteps studio! That was my summer job last year! (I also did Beerfest, Run Robot Run, ATV 2007 and Nancy Drew... but Across the Universe was the best XD)

Always the Sun

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 17:34:23 GMT

How Many Times Have You Woken Up And Prayed For The Rain?
How Many Times Have You Seen The Papers Apportion To Blame?
And Who Gets To Say?
Who Gets To Work And Who Gets To Play?
I Was Always Told At School Everybody Should Get The Same

How Many Times Have You Been Told If You Don't Ask You Don't Get?
How Many Liars Have Taken Your Money? Your Mother Said You Shouldn't Bet
But Who Has The Fun?
Is It Always A Man With A Gun?
Someone Must Have Told You If You Work Too Hard You Can Sweat

There's Always The Sun
There's Always The Sun
Always, Always, Always The Sun

How Many Times Have The Weathermen Told You Stories That Made You Laugh?
You Know it's Not Unlike The Politicions And The Leaders When They Do Things By Half
And Who Gets The Job?
Of Pushing The Knob
That Sort Of Responsibility You Draw Straws For If You're Mad Enough

There's Always The Sun
There's Always The Sun
Always, Always, Always The Sun.

=D

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 03:59:49 GMT

Fake Smiles and godamnit, I'll make myself be happy or die trying.

I am never going to cry over lost things again.

Too many people are sad, so I will be happy.

Let me sing to myself, I feel a rush of false joy.

The lies are so perfect, I smile and believe them!

Paradox.

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 00:09:40 GMT

Stand alone,
Hug white arms,
Close to me,
Tears because,
Of unhappy,
Happiness.

-- Sometimes I wonder if I would be happy if I really was happy.

Finished Reggy Black Fanlisting

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 00:01:36 GMT

http://empty-cage.net/regulus/

Win ^^

Halodomain

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 22:05:57 GMT

http://empty-cage.net

Halodomain! =D =D =D!

Misunderstood

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 15:19:12 GMT

Just wanna be misunderstood
Wanna be feared in my neighborhood
Just wanna be a moody man
Say things that nobody can understand

I wanna be obscure and oblique
Inscrutable and vague
So hard to pin down
I wanna leave open mouths when I speak
Want people to cry when I put them down

I wanna be either old or young
Don't like where I've ended up or where I begun
I always feel I must get things in the can
I just can't handle it the way I am

Why am I so straight and simple
People see through me like I'm made of glass
Why can't I deepen with graying temples
Am I growing out of my class

I always feel I should be somewhere else
I feel impatient like a girl on the shelf
They say that I should live sera sera
But I am such an ordinary star

Coolwalkingsmoothtalkingstraightsmokingfirestoking
Coolwalkingsmoothtalking, yeah

Just wanna be misunderstood
I wanna be feared in my neighborhood
Just wanna be a moody man
Say things that nobody can understand

Coolwalkingsmoothtalkingstraightsmokingfirestoking
Coolwalkingsmoothtalkingstraightsmokingfirestoking
Coolwalkingsmoothtalkingstraightsmokingfirestoking
Coolwalkingsmoothtalking, yeah

Pete Townshend & Ronnie Lane -- My theme song XP

Talking

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 15:15:22 GMT

I hate the sound of my own voice.

I like the look of my handwriting.

School.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 20:31:39 GMT

Now that job one at COIP is over and I'm standing on the ledge of job number two, at some unknown location I realise how lonely this year is going to be. All my friends are going to school, and Andrew has never once satisfied my loneliness. So I'm sort of hovering, like limbo with hope.

I'm writing and drawing like I have a strange drug addiction, and I've read many major works from the major philosophers.

And as soon as I sign on the dotted line for my new job empty-cage.net will be born.

"My friends are lying in the sun I wish that I was there." - Atom Heart Mother (Pink Floyd)

Never thought I'd miss school, eh?

Words

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 00:20:40 GMT

Melancholic.
Sometimes.
Enigmatic.
Eccentric.
Jovial.
Bitter.
Hysterical.
Liar.
Philosopher.
Poet.
Criminal.
Brilliant.
Insane.
Neither.
Sword.
Book.
Gun.
Sanctuary.
Asylum.
Wonderland.
Incentive.
Retrospect.
Living.
Dead.
Envy.
Wrath.
Pride.
Saint.
Demon.
Brave.
Tear.
Tear.
Never.
Seductive.
Whore.
Martyr.
Virgin.
Silent.
Screaming.
Solitary.
Hilarious.
Loyal.
Wink.
Sarcasm.
Average.
Extraordinary.

These words are a few of the multitude you may use to describe me. Do not forget me.

Next Year

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 02:58:21 GMT

Next Year I am doing the following:

- Travelling somewhere to work
- Working in Canada
- Possibly going to NY with Andrew
- Taking U. Math via correspondence course
- Deciding if I want to go into technology or philosophy
- Applying for scholarships
- Sleeping
- Buying a domain

Savvy?

I have a plan.

TFL Redeemed

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 19:07:52 GMT

Hi Kae,

Congratulations! Your application to build and run the Black, Regulus Arcturus (Harry Potter Series) fanlisting in the Characters: Book/Movie category at The Fanlistings Network has been approved! We advise you to keep this email for future reference.

When we next post an update, your fanlisting will be listed in the updates blog as an upcoming fanlisting. It has also been added to the list of approved fanlistings in the Characters: Book/Movie category, which you can view here: http://www.thefanlistings.org/approved.php

There are some basic rules you MUST follow when building your fanlisting:

- complete your fanlisting within four weeks;
- link back to http://www.thefanlistings.org/ in a visible place on your fanlisting;
- make sure the rules of your fanlisting allow EVERYONE to join;
- make sure your join form requires members' names and countries (you may also require email addresses);
- include a 'last updated' date on the main or splash of your fanlisting, with the date in a universally-recognisable format, i.e. January 1st 2005;
- be prepared to update your fanlisting AT LEAST once every two months, even if nobody joins during that time;
- please don't call your fanlisting the 'official' fanlisting for your subject. Your fanlisting can only be official if it is approved by the person/subject. You can use the alternative: 'TheFanlistings.org approved fanlisting', or something similar;
- inform us via the update info form at http://www.thefanlistings.org/updateinfo.php if your email address changes.

We have some useful information at The Fanlistings Network which may help you to build your fanlisting - especially if it's your first!

- Rules: http://www.thefanlistings.org/start/rules.php
- FAQ: http://www.thefanlistings.org/faqs/
- For Fanlisting Owners: http://thefanlistings.org/menu/resources.php
- Links Centre - http://www.thefanlistings.org/links/
- Link to TFL: http://www.thefanlistings.org/linkhere/

When you have completed your fanlisting and made sure that it follows all of the rules outlined above, please submit a finished form at http://www.thefanlistings.org/finished.php to let us know the URL. Your completed fanlisting should be linked at The Fanlisting Network within four weeks.

If you realise that you are unable to complete your fanlisting within the four weeks you have been given, please use the contact form at http://www.thefanlistings.org/contact.php to request an extension. Make sure that you include all relevant details, including an explanation of why you need the extension, and an estimate of how long you think you will need to complete your fanlisting.

If you have any queries or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact us via the contact form at http://www.thefanlistings.org/contact.php and we will get back to you as soon as possible.

Thank you for your contribution to the network. We wish you the best of luck with your newly-approved fanlisting!

Meaghan, Jennifer, and Lucy
Characters: Book/Movie category
http://www.thefanlistings.org/

Okay, my faith in TFL has been redeemed!

I've never been bitter before in my life.

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 20:19:56 GMT

I'm now working in the disgusting city of Toronto for eleven dollars an hour literally trading in every grueling second for a handful of dimes, living with my mother's insane spinster friend and have been essentially kicked out, except I can come back on the weekends only if I work in the store on Sunday. I'm tired, bored and listless. Plus, my mother's friend's computer hates the universe so it only loads really basic websites like forums, facebook and livejournal. Welcome back to the stone age.

Andrew works in the city too because he cannot bring himself to part with me, though, he works 4-11 and I work 9-5, hah! Try stalking me now hippie.

Of course, I cannot design the Raven fanlisting at my mother's friend's nor can I actually fix my Enth3 there... so my fanlistings are toast. Not that I'd be able to fix them anyways as it seems I can no longer program nor can I design websites. I just want to drown myself for a few minutes sometime.

Yes, I'm tired... I'm so very tired.

Ah...

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 02:08:50 GMT

I am beautiful when I wear my swishy black nightgown and dance to Syd Barrett on the roof of my porch at 3AM.

Though, now I'm working 9-5 in the dirty city of Toronto at a crappy job thinking this makes me smile -- Because it is true!

Won't you miss me? Wouldn't you miss me at all?

Men.

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 19:56:08 GMT

Then I fucking cry
Because I hate your damn face
And you will not go

A hiaku... for Andrew, and, incidently, Ben.

Nevermore...

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 18:39:52 GMT

Guess who has 'The Raven' Fanlisting?

That's right, I do!

Deadly Sin...

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 05:30:51 GMT

I keep getting told I'm pretentious/arrogant/prideful

I'm not, am I?

Misery and Andrew

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 06:26:55 GMT

Misery hangs quietly upon me.

Is it you, my dear Andrew Saunderson?

I love laughing with you, because I can laugh until it hurts. I can be a wreck, and laugh until I cannot breathe. No makeup, pyjamas. I can laugh. And I would all the time, and we would be happy. We would laugh, you and I. We would splash each other in my pool, and after we got out I would laugh at you, you would send my stomach hurtling into my lungs when you swept me off my feet and held me upside down over your broad shoulders. And we would laugh! You would tell me I held my bow like an idiot and I'd get the bull's eye you couldn't and we'd laugh some more. You and me, we'd share philosophies, we'd watch movies, we'd do crosswords and draw in crayon. I would draw all over your chest in sharpie and you would draw on my stomach, pictures and words that mean nothing and everything.

We'd laugh, Andrew, we'd laugh.

But you don't really want to, do you?

You want to cry and be hurt. you crave goading me to sadness, and it makes you sad. You dwell on my dark past so much you can't see me dancing in my bright future. Don't drown in the self hatred of my past! That blood is too deep. Why are you always crying? I can't keep protecting you. I want to laugh without thoughts of consequences. I want to kiss your nose, then bite your neck until you gasp, I want this without your tears. I want this without you bankingon my past, on my suicide attempts, and my misery with Ben. Why does that matter? Why do my dry tears matter?

This is why we won't last forever, or even as long as you think. Because, Andrew, I want to laugh.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 19:35:10 GMT

"I've consulted all the sages I could find in the yellow pages but there aren't many of them." -- Pyramania, Parsons

Yes, my failing wisdom returns. Grad is on the 28th, I really don't care. Like REALLY. I'm actually happy I'll never see many of these idiots again. Everyone else is sobbing and carrying on. Who cares, you hated them anyways. Or if you didn't hate them you were cruel to them -- you are always cruel to people who are your friends because you know they will come back.

Stacey joined my fanlisting. I have 5 fans -- http://atzeleon.angelic-acid.com/kae/ -- you should all join. It would be fun.

Battle Royale owns my life. I intend to have the basics of the websites up by the end of next week. It's my usual, looks like crap but very in depth. My Miroku shrine will also likely be back for the summer. I am leaning towards the domain name empty-cage.net -- I will host anyone who reads this.

Next year, I travel, the year after that is back to school.

I remember and old quote thatI used to love.

"I want to become the wind."

Still do... but I probably won't anymore. Got my wings clipped, time to grow up, right?

The New Trend

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 20:25:06 GMT

Something that is me, and makes me very proud of being me is dying.

That's my desire to be unique.

Lately I've just wanted to blend into the crowd. Be someone average and ordinary. I don't want people to think anything about me.

I don't want to write poetry, or philosophy. I don't want to have any artistic outlet anymore. I want to be grey, plastic. When the moon shines on me I want to close the curtains. When the sun shines on me I want to think it is too hot.

I want to like books with pink covers that have fake airbrushed people on them. I want to read glossy magazines until my brain turns to mush.

I want to giggle.

I want to be catty, I want to talk rudely aboout people and smile to their faces.

I want to wear pretty makeup, and no black eyeliner.

I want to care about my hair, nails, weight, height, and if 'that boy' is looking at me.

I want to like Andrew only because he is beautiful.

When something really, really, really moves me I want to be able to brush it off like nothing. I want the perfect instants to vanish. Never again do I want a second of stunning perfection to come near me.

I don't want to love video games, and comic books. I want to hate manga.

Fuck, I want to be your Quintessential Teenage Girl.

Quintessential Teenage girls aren't allowed to say Quintessential.

Fiction Press

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 01:39:34 GMT

Yea, I got an account:

http://www.fictionpress.com/~corvuscorax

Corvus Corax, the Raven.